Oh my God. Jackie, blessings and white light. I cannot IMAGINE. And of all people, I maybe could imagine, but no, I cannot IMAGINE. You are kicking a^^ with the writing, I hope this helped you to heal. If this is not a reason for an abortion, I do not know what one would be. Blessings and white light. What they put us through. By the way I had my daughter naturally because by the time I asked for pain relief, it was too late. With my second baby, Anthony, I did ask for an epidural after talking to numerous people. So it numbed me only on the right side no matter how hard they tried. You can see what happened him 6 mos later on my profile. I did hold him but he was my baby for six months. He had Down Syndrome, not the same as what your baby had. I would have done the same as you.