Just, I think it is a good idea for you to write an article from your perspective, and it’s a valid one. You will find no disagreement from me that the majority of people who abuse children are their caregivers, and the majority of caregivers to both children and the elderly are female.
I also think that in interpersonal relationships, women can be extremely abusive. Some do, as I said, hit, throw, scream, insult, berate, and otherwise severely mentally and physically abuse their partners.
I was responding because I think the rape crime is the most common, and among the least, if not the least solved and totally prosecuted major crime around the world. We can complain here about our legal system and situations such as “Marie’s” where she was raped by a serial sex predator who stalked outside women’s apartments, then broke in and raped them with a very distinctive MO that didn’t change — she reported it but cops didn’t believe her because she was an 18 YO former foster youth living in a transition house. Even her foster parents disbelieved her, thinking she was making it up for attention. When, some time later, another woman, married and of an older age, not a recently transitioned former foster kid, was also raped the same way in a nearby town, the two detectives got together and realized the crimes were similar. DNA testing, after they finally caught the guy, proved he had raped Marie as well as numerous others. So yes, we can complain about this, and as you say, the saying of “My holocaust is not worse than your holocaust” is absolutely true.
My response was made because the original commenter was not talking about his holocaust. He was trying to denigrate, downgrade or hijack the author’s conversation about her own experiences, and women and a man she knew. And he did it in a particularly bad way that, as I said, I see all over the internet and on articles of the exact nature I pointed out. I learned from research that what he was actually doing, was wanting to spread false and misleading information out of a study that covers so many broad areas that it has little in-depth value.
I very much have empathy for real situations, including whether the person is different to me, or similar.
Have you heard of the ACES study?
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study |Child Maltreatment|Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC
The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study is one of the largest investigations ever conducted to assess…
I am 10:10 on this scale and the primary person responsible was my female caregiver. I almost put that in quotes. The care I received was such that I was twice confronted by what I guess is the “non physical unwanted sexual advances” before age 10. Both were creepy flashers who followed me. I almost died in three different early childhood accidents including the infamous dry cleaner “keep away from children” plastic, drowning while left unattended in the bath, and a fall down the stairs in one of those “don’t leave the child unattended” walkers that were taken off the market. Oh! I forgot my black eye from the crib. That’s the things that could easily be listed by a survey like the ACES survey on one dimension of the scale.
On the other dimension, I experienced physical deprivation and emotional abuse on a level that I have never heard another functioning US-born adult describe. I experienced some extreme physical abuse in extreme situations, like my wanting to call my best friend on the phone (hand held on stove burner until I promised not to touch the phone).
I say US-based because as you note “my holocaust is not worse than yours” and I have social media friends who are part of a 3,000 member female Kurdish army. All were raped in captivity by ISIS, they escaped, are armed and trained and are now fighting back. I am familiar with the story of Malala. Nobody shot me on the way to school. Thank our Lord, I had a school.
Which gave me a very high “resilience” factor and it is for certain why I have had only 2 of the negative health impacts people with high ACES have (over 4, LOL — WTF about all 10?).
30% of people with 4+ ACES report being raped. The man who raped me for certain targeted me because 1) I fit his physical profile; 2) I came into his sphere of influence due to winning the writing prize at his college 2 years at a row; and 3) he could be assured there would be no rich dad or furious wealthy mother to come after him. I had moved out of my house ASAP and was an independent student. I was not even in touch with my own father at that time. They can smell us being hurt, they know they can safely or with some reasonable expectation, hurt us and do what they want and get away with it.
So, females are very likely the majority of perpetrators of these ACES. Unlike douchey McT the Criminal Justice rape expert, I have all but a practicum for my masters in psychology and over 15 years of social service experience in extreme high poverty and violence communities. The only reason, I believe, that people “think” that there is so much more child abuse and violence in our inner city communities is that they are like the “Tech Bro” guy Justin Keller. They are so closed in their little worlds they do not see these behaviors occur everywhere. Or, they look the other way or excuse them or somehow view them as “different” if they occur in a wealthy, white community. As one example of this, I give you the “Orange County Rape Case/Greg Haidl Rape.” Haidl was a twisted youth and even more twisted young man who got two of his friends to videotape an extensive object-rape and sexual humiliation of an unconscious 16 year old girl. Haidl’s dad was an “Assistant Sheriff,” a wholly boughten position given to him by then-OC Sheriff Mike Carona (now serving time on extensive Federal corruption charges which were brought to light by his trying to get his buddy Haidl’s kid and the other two boys off). I in no way feel sorry for Greg Haidl or his now-deceased father Don Haidl. The parents were divorced and young Greg lived with his father. The only fact I can find about Greg’s mother was that she lived near his victim (doubtless how he met her) in a less-affluent area. Haidl’s dad was a “self made” car auction millionaire who’d gotten that way by ripping the government and everybody else off. He was always under some type of legal investigation or prosecution which never went anywhere until the extreme situation of the rape + videotape occurred and he began to use any means within and outside the law, to help his son get away with such a heinous crime.
So the point of this long story is: numerous people doing life sentences for drug crimes who happen to be black or Latino are way better people, parents, and caregivers, than Don Haidl and for sure his twisted, messed up son (Greg now feels he should not have to register as a sex offender — he has NO responsibility or remorse for drugging and raping a 16 year old girl with a pool cue and beer bottles, then videotaping it and putting it on YouTube, as well as ruining two of his buddies’ lives and bringing down the corrupt OC Sheriff’s “leadership” — maybe that was a good thing). But they do “programs” in the inner city and there is no such “program” for the wealthy like the Haidls.
Even though this case was pretty notorious, at the time, likely as covered as much as the Sandusky case at Penn State and the shooting of Trayvon Martin, I can provably demonstrate that if you interviewed people and asked, “Do you know who ___________ is?” with each of the perpetrators or victims names, a much greater number would know about Trayvon Martin, or be able to say “Wasn’t Jerry Sandusky that guy who molested all those little boys?”
If I said “Greg Haidl” or “Haidl rape case,” many fewer people would know about it.
The victim was female, and remained anonymous because she was only 16 when the crime occurred. She was “Jane Doe” until she revealed her name as Alisa Kaplan and wrote a book last year. The perps and the victim were all Caucasians, and the perps, at least, lived in some of the wealthiest, most exclusive communities in the U.S. This case is actually worse from a social perspective than the horrendous Jerry Sandusky situation. That case destroyed the huge Penn State football program and forever tarnished the beloved image of Joe Paterno. But there are three intersecting factors that mean the Haidl Gang Rape case will be a Southern California footnote: 1) the race of the perps and victim (who did not die); 2) the gender of the victim; and 3) the community-wide complicity that allowed a total beast like Don Haidl to rip everybody off for decades and raise a monster son in his own image, all behind a bought-and-paid for Sheriff’s badge. Oh yeah, and Mike Carona, the former “hero Sheriff” once encouraged to run for higher office, like Senator or Governor of the state.
Because Alisa survived, because I survived, because I did not grow up to treat my own daughter the way I was treated: NONE of the things that happened to me have happened to her, she suffered only one trauma and that was one jointly, to myself, her and her brother who died — and we know we are not responsible.
The cycle can end. It can be stopped. But it stops by dealing with the real problems, not fake ones.
You are not going to believe this, but a side footnote in my life history of being treated like shit by others, both male and female, is that I was pulled over by Craig Peyer, CHP Killer, in the exact spot where he, two years later, murdered Cara Knott. Probably you had not heard of this crime. It occurred a long time ago, just as the Haidl Gang Rape occurred over 10 years ago. Craig Peyer is not the only CHP rapist/killer by the way. I did not know I had been pulled over by the CHP killer but I knew I had been pulled over by a bad man, a way worse and scarier guy than any of the other joking, laughing, or even a little shy guys who’d pulled me over before. Because you’ve probably read a lot of articles about the problems faced by black drivers. “Driving while black.” There’s also “driving while blonde.” Like black people were and are treated when they state they are pulled over for no reason and harassed, especially if they are driving decent cars in neighborhoods cops think should be “white,” people like I used to be (and sometimes, still am, I guess in low lighting) were completely laughed at and disbelieved. I was driving to my then-fiance’s parents house in San Diego, one of the first “big trips” I’d ever driven by myself, and Peyer totally pulled me over and scared the hell out of me with creepy and personal questions. He wanted me to get out of the car and I refused because danger radiated from him. Eventually he lost interest and ordered me to continue on to my boyfriend’s parents’ house and followed me for several miles before I guess, spotting another blonde and pulling her over.
In my pantheon of all this crap, the only thing that stuck with me about this for years wasn’t even how he had scared me, or how weird and creepy he was. It was that my boyfriend’s parents, and boyfriend (it was indeed, a later factor in my breaking up with him) not only didn’t believe me when I arrived at their house, still pretty scared and upset. They laughed at me. They insisted “No cop would ever do something like that, you must have been speeding.” It didn’t matter what I said. They basically didn’t believe me that this man pulled me over for no reason, made me drive far off the road on a high bridge that went to nowhere, and started asking me non-driving and creepy personal questions and persisted.
I forgot about my 15 minute breast exam by Dr. Chester the College Clinic Molester when I went for birth control pills … wait a minute … where was I going with this.
The guy that raped me didn’t kill me after all. Even though I quit writing for eight years and decided I never wanted to step foot on a college campus again, I eventually did both. Craig Peyer CHP killer finally escalated up to murdering Cara Knott, who was either dragged from or got out of her car. He pulled over hundreds and possibly thousands of other young women on his road to rape and murder (they don’t know if he raped Cara but he was probably doing something along those lines when he bludgeoned and killed her).
Oh yeah, I forgot about my lost year too. The year I was 13. I do remember a few things about that. That was when I lived with my dad in Hollywood. He wasn’t home much. My stepmother was very involved with my half-brother, who grew up to die of AIDS in a prison halfway house. Lots of performers and others from the film scene came to visit. They were all guys between the ages of 25 and I would guess maybe late 30s. So you can probably guess how respectful and wholesome all of them were to a 13 year old with the body of a young boy and face and long blonde hair of a young woman. I am sure you have seen the films that depict what gentlemen of that age like to do with young women like that.
So this makes me sound totally crazy, right? I mean, how in the hell could so much happen to one person?
Well I’m writing this now. Because I can.
Before this, I wrote 28 non-fiction books, hundreds of articles, over 100 short stories, three novels, and three short fiction/poetry collections. I was also a nonprofit executive raising millions of dollars for homeless families (and operated an organization working with very low income working poor, and homeless families) and I did go back to college, and I did become a college teacher and I did get pretty good at it. And I was married, had a daughter, would have married my second partner if he hadn’t been in a monstrous abuse situation of his own — thanks to his ex-wife — this chap was the horror writer Alan Rodgers and he sort of attracted horrifying into his life the same way I have obviously attracted abuse into mine.
Now I am with the love of my life who was also way up on the ACES scale.
As a well-known and brilliant writer who was once my teacher and friend, Algis Budrys, wrote to me, “Orphans is orphans, and we understand each other.”
Oliver Twist was an orphan. So was David Copperfield. So was little Jane Eyre. So am I.
There’s a reason that named chair of literature didn’t kill me. There is a reason why I never rolled my window down more than 1/3 when CHP Killer Craig Peyer pulled me over and scared me so badly. My very abusive grandmother had told me that. She was a police matron, and my grandfather (best man I ever knew — in no way abusive), the constable of our small town. She knew that if a cop pulled a young woman over for no reason there was nothing good about it. I look back this many years later and she was trying to protect me in many ways, at the same time she abused me. Because she didn’t know how to say to me, these true things. She could only punish me or try to control me. I do think her underlying, ultimate motive, was to keep me safe, to protect me.
See, her first husband, my mother the artist’s biological father — when my grandmother became pregnant with my mother, he came to her with some “special tea” he said he’d gotten from the botanica. “Drink it,” he said. “It will get rid of the baby.”
If any woman truly reads this, she is not going to think “My God, she is SO crazy!” she will think, “I remember such a story from my own family.” Or she will think, “I was pulled over by a cop who scared me, too.” Or she will think, “My professor molested me” or “My boss wanted me to give him oral sex or he would fire me.”
The percentage isn’t 18%. It’s a lot closer to 100%.
I have been asked, which do you think is worse, Amy — gender bias or ethnic/racial bias? Well it kind of is like that “My holocaust is not worse than yours” and that is the answer I will give in the future.
But if you do not “relate” to what I said, or even disbelieve it then you should look in the mirror.
The man who raped me was well aware he was a sexual and violent predator and he knew what he was doing was wrong. I believe he did kill some victims, but they were probably not students from our colleges. They were probably prostitutes or street girls. He was smart enough to know that if he killed any student of one of those colleges he greatly increased his risk of being caught and jailed. He kept his college MO safely in the “She wanted rough sex” area and used intimidation and threats like Haidl to get away with his crimes on the campuses.
As to CHP Killer Craig Peyer? I don’t know — he seemed very crazy and scary. And I didn’t know who he was until at least two decades later and I saw a TV show about the case by accident. Over 100 women he had pulled over from the San Diego area testified at his trial for Cara Knott’s murder. They didn’t call me because they did not in any way need to go that far down the list. He hadn’t ticketed me. They found the others because he had, while intimidating and mistreating them, written a ticket for them.
Why is this pattern true of me, yet I survive?
Because: I’m a writer.